Friday, January 26, 2007

Separated at hellish, vile inception?














On the left is the Dalek, a grotesque half-mutant/half-tank bent on universal conquest and domination.

On the right is the Peaceful Progression Wake Up Clock, a grotesque half-mutant/half-clock bent on universal conquest and domination.

To further it’s evil means, the Dalek employs a vast array of weaponry including jets of flesh-searing flame, a manipulator arm capable of crushing skulls, and (of course) a death ray.

The diabolical Peaceful Progression Wake Up Clock uses a “gradual increase in ambient light, stimulating aromas, and peaceful sounds from nature.” The fiend!!!

The Dalek can use it’s extraordinary powers to extract the brainwaves from a man's head, killing him in the process.

The Peaceful Progression Wake Up Clock “generates the sleeper’s choice of soft, yet lively nature sounds,” killing him in the process.

The Peaceful Progression Wake Up Clock:
“Sound selection includes Nightfall, Thunder Storm, Zen Melody, Mountain Stream, Songbirds, and Ocean Surf. Four packets of aroma beads (Energy, Morning Caf, Stress Relief, Lavender) are provided, as are 10 removable felt disks that can be placed in the aroma bowl which allow you to use your own aromatherapy oils.”

The Dalek:
"EX-TER-MI-NATE!"

Coincidence? I think not.

Sunday, January 21, 2007

It was a bleak January day...

Two awesome Jack London stories:

"The Mexican" and "To Build a Fire" .

I'll be thinking of the 2nd when I jog in St. Paul, Minnesota, this week.

Friday, January 19, 2007

Once there was a piece of ham…

One of the institutions of my family that has continued since Liam was around 3 is the “hand story”. The hand story started out as a way to transition from reading Liam a book in bed to leaving him. Putting the book down and turning the lights off was initially a big deal so I would put my hands up as if I was reading a book and make up a story. Pretty soon, I could turn the lights off while doing this.

This soon became a bedtime requirement and after several years of telling every single children’s story I know as well as kid-ifying every movie I’ve ever seen including the Hobbit, the first two Star Wars movies (and I DON’T mean the new ones), and even the Terminator, it’s become pretty tough to come up with’em!

A running gag of mine that Liam hates is when he asks for a hand story, I pretend to think he said “ham” story and start in with “Once there was a piece of ham..”. He’ll wail and I’ll say “Ok, once there was a piece of cheese…”.

Liam: “No, no…a HAND story!”

Dad: “Oh, ok… once upon a time there was a hand…”

Liam: “No, not a story ABOUT a hand!”

Dad: “Oh, I see. Once there was a foot…”

Liam (getting very upset): “No!!! I hate this joke!!!”

Dad: “Ok, ok…. it’s ok, Liam. Here goes. Once there was a piece of ham…”

Liam: “AAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!!!!”

I started doing this with Erin aka “Goofball” and she turned it around on me like she always does and now she’s got me telling her stories about ham sandwiches!

Saturday, January 13, 2007

Jim's musical oranges

When I was around 12, I liked the new single from Pink Floyd’s ”The Wall” that they were playing on KFI, the AM station in LA I listened to. You know, the one with the kids singing “We don’t want no education”. So I asked for the album for Christmas and got it. It totally freaked me out and I hid it away somewhere.

In 7th grade, at my first (and, as it turned out, the best) school dance, a guy mentioned to me that he liked “Van Halen” and “The Doors” only I thought he said “The Dwarves”… I had never heard of either. I became pretty good friends with that guy, Ken, in the next few years and he’d play them at his house and I remember being completely overcome by “The End” and especially “Eruption” leading into ”You Really Got Me” which continues to this day to be my #1 Wish I Saw it Live moments.

Although my late middle and high school years were the worst years for hard rock, I actually made it through the early 80’s with only two regrets:

#1) I was completely into Def Leppard’s “Pyromania”.

Although I can appreciate that they could sure pull off some catchy stuff… not an easy thing to do… I can’t listen to this album without thinking how horrible it is. It makes me cringe remembering drawing the cover of the album and all over my repetitive French homework.

I liked a lot of bands back then including Judas Priest and Motley Crue… I even had cut outs of Iron Maiden photos from Hit Parader magazine taped on my Pee-Chee folders... but the only music that I was really into and can’t look back on and think it was basically ok stuff (I only really got into the first album.for Motley Crue and stopped listening to Priest after “Screaming For Vengeance”) was Def Leppard. And, of course, they completely tanked after that.

#2) I was outside a sold-out Metallica show in Hollywood in 85 and didn’t buy an overpriced ticket to get in.

Metallica was my favorite band for years. I got into them when their second album came out. That and their first that I immediately bought were pretty much the only albums I listened to. Because of one semi-radio friendly song on “Ride the Lightning” that caused a lot of “sell out” buzz, I was worried that their third album was going to disappoint. I remember buying it song unheard and huddling down next to my Dad’s big stereo in a tall glass cabinet, giant Princess Leia headphones on my ears, and being completely blown away.

Anyway, back to the show I missed on the tour for “Lightning”. Two guys at school had tickets and asked me if I wanted to go. Not realizing how huge they were in LA, I figured I could get a ticket so me and another friend joined up.

We ended up hanging around outside, walking around downtown Hollywood.

A while ago, I found a guy on the net that had gone to the show and asked him how it was and this is the story he posted (I love the ending!):

I'll give you as many memories of the show as I can dish out.

We lived in Visalia, which is up by Fresno (I live in Texas now; was born & raised in L.A., I miss it!). We got the tickets from Ticketron WAY in advance, I just got my first car, and was the only one in my crew with wheels...one of my pals supplied the tix.

Dude, there was NO WAY you could have gotten in the show without tickets...it was CRAZY...you were at the building!!

Okay so we lived 4 hours from L.A. We left early and got there real early. There were 2 kids sitting outside the door, and they were punks. This was JUST after 'Kerrang!' ran pics of James (I will NOT call him "Jaymz") wearing the G.B.H shirt which started the crossover movement, so were were totally stoked seeing that the first 2 kids to camp in line had mohawks and were hardcore punks. I think one of them even had a Metallica patch on his ripped up bleached out vest. We just get into town and we're already PUMPED beyond belief.

So we're early, and the line isn't dangerously long yet so we decide to go sight seing. First stop is Randy Rhoads' mom's music school. Of course it was closed, but we pressed our faces against the window and saw some live pictures of Randy framed and sitting on the counter.

Next stop was the Rainbow Bar & Grill to see the tree that Randy & Vince Neil climbed one night while plastered. The only trees around were lightweight ornamental trees, I guess those had to be it. The Rainbow had a Rough Cutt ad billboard on it's roof.

We then went to British Imports, a place on Hollywood Blvd (I think) that carried all the spikes and leather gear. We saw that they were selling those black leather pieces that cover your wirst & top of your hand that Nikki Sixx used to wear that had red pentagrams & spikes. LOTS of rare shirts, and saw a huge Mercyful Fate Don't break the Oath decal, the kind you have to soak in water.

We just went up & down Hlywd Blvd & Sunset grabbing as much of those free porno newspapers and sight seeing till it was time to get in line.

Even just waiting in line was a MAJOR event. There were SO many Metallica addicts, ALL wearing shirts, which in itself was a MAJOR trip because the only way to get Metallica shirts at that time was to order them with the order form inside the album; you couldn't get them at the mall. The "Hollywood" sign was clearly visible from standing in line. Up drives a shitty old silver mazda station wagon, and James was in the passenger seat. He waved at the line and everyone went ape shit. I will ALWAYS remember how cool it was that he came to the gig in a cheap shitty car instead of a limo.

We were WAY ahead of everyone else in line so when they opened the doors we rushed to the front on the stage. Within like 20 minutes (still a long time before the show started I was CRUSHED against the barricade and I could feel damage to my ribs. I just convinced myself to stay at all costs and ignore the pain. I remembered those stories of those people geting trampled to death at those WHO concerts and thinking this is DEFINATELY a bad situation. It was rather horrifying.

ADAM BOMB comes out. Now, WHAT THEY F*CK they were doing there IN THE FIRST PLACE is totally beyond me. They stood for EVERYTHING Metallica was tearing down; hairspray, pink zebra stripes, weak pop-metal (glam wasn't developed yet..Hanoi Rocks had yet to surface in L.A.). They probably saw this show as a major development to their career because of the ENORMITY of it. Boy, were they in for a surprise. I thought there was gonna be a total RIOT! TONS of spitting, Adam Bomb himself had big lugees hanging from his hair. TONS of booing, yelling, and all kids of shit getting thrown at them. At this point I HAD to bail from the front, I could feel my chest giving out. I wasn't the only one...people were getting pulled out of the front by security, one even seemed to be injured or passed out. One of my crew said that Adam Bomb guy was actually crying when they walked off stage, but I didn't see it.

They turned off all the lights and started up the acoustic intro to "Fight Fire with Fire" (which I think was a tape) and the place absolutely FREAKED. When they started really playing FIGHT FIRE, the place just EXPLODED. It was like a fucking oil refinery blew up or something. There was SO MUCH violence erupting in the crowd, it was unbelieveable. Chaotic slam pits (no circle motion, just killing each other) broke out everywhere. I finally realized I could go over to the side (stage right) where Cliff was and see the entire band with no obstuctions at all. After FIRE they led into RIDE and then did For Whom the Bell Tolls, I'm pretty sure...when you heard FWTBT it was pretty early in the set, right? They were playing EVERYTHING. After I saw Cliff do the Anesthesia solo behind his head, I saw the corwd was breathing a little better so I made my way back to front on the other side, stage right where Kirk was, and met up with some of my crew. I stayed there till the end of the set, one of my guys had that WHIPLASH ep and he held it up and James saw us and did a "WHAT'S UP!!" type of head nod to us while he was playing. After the very last song, they walked off stage, but James didn't leave, he went to the drum riser, leaned his white flying v against it, turned toward the crowd & ran at full speed and did a front flip into the crowd. When they turned on the lights, there was devistation everywhere. There were dark corners where people were sprawled out and other people were nursing their wounds. I remember seeing one dude had on a WITCH shirt, it was red with the Witch logo in black (remember them, "The Hex is On").

Cliff had on a flannel shirt and some K-Mart tennis shoes, bell-bottom jeans, Aria Pro bass. James had no shirt, old jeans, white hi-tops, his white flying V. Kirk had a white T-shirt with a red anarchy sign and black letters that said ANARCHY on it, black vest, black pants, whie dress shoes like Randy Rhoads used to wear. We never saw Lars at ALL, he was buried in drums. One of my crew kept telling us he looked like he was struggeling to keep up with the fast hardcore songs; but I wont attest to this.

My crew met up with me and they wanted to get outta there, so we figured we should start driving home and catch Armored at another gig. On the way home, I fell asleep at the wheel and rolled my car. One of us got a head injury but luckily no one was killed. He never blamed me...he said the show was totally worth it. His parents insurance ended up suing my parents insurance, but he & I remained best friends.

Keep on rockin' in the free world, Garth.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Heavens to Mergatroid!

Speaking of cartoons, I got this for Christmas. I’ve always been much more of a Looney Tunes fan but the Hanna-Barbara repertoire had some standouts: the old Tom & Jerry toons and the Flintstones were great.

But ya gotta love the voices in almost all the comic H-B stuff: Snagglepuss "Exit, stage left!”, Yogi “I’m smarter than the average bear, Boo-boo!”, Droopy, WallyGator, etc., etc.

Writing this, I had always thought Tex Avery had been part of Hanna-Barbara, but Wikipedia has shown me the error of my ways. After quitting Warner Bros., he went to MGM. Hanna and Barbera came from GM as well so there IS a connection but I can't attribute the absolutely fantastic stuff by Tex Avery to H-B.

Check out this.

Saturday, January 06, 2007

Bye-bye Flintmobile


Tonight, while Kerry and Erin were at IKEA, Liam and I went shopping because we were in charge of dinner… and the meal of choice? Yummy-yummy pizza and root beer floats!

Yummy-yummy pizza is what we call pizza you make at home with pizza dough mix and toppings which is, in our case, pepperoni, green olives, and mushrooms.

Anyway, I’ve always thought a daily multivitamin was a good hedge against any inadequacies in one’s diet so I picked up a bottle of Flintstone’s chewables for Liam. The kid basically lives off of PBJ and Kroger mac & cheese so a few extra vitamins and minerals can’t hurt.

Guess what? They got rid of the car! That was always my favorite when I was a kid! I would slide it around on my plate before munching it down. Apparently, there was some outcry a while back that Betty Rubble wasn’t included so around 1996 - wait a sec, I just found out that Rosie O’Donnell was the head loudmouth on this one.

KHANNNN!!!!!!!

Thursday, January 04, 2007

XMAS XS again

As predicted here, Lego’s have become Liam’s next big thing. He’s had a pirate ship for a year and played with it but not ever as intensely as he does with whatever is his current obsession. He's also had a few little kits (a police boat, a fire truck, a Star Wars thing, and a small box of random pieces) but still… just a normal kid.

Then, the first three days we were at Syracuse for last Christmas, we hardly ever saw him as he worked on a pretty complex castle from the Harry Potter movie that his grandfather had got for him when he was born to keep in New York.

They had the movie up there on DVD and I kept trying to get him to watch it but he had no interest in it. He didn’t care about the characters or playing with the castle… he just loved building the thing.
Then, for Christmas, Santa got him a house and that’s what he worked on for the next day or so. When it was done, he immediately dismantled it and started on the town home version of it.

Although regarding toys, Erin typically seems to simultaneously want nothing in particular and everything in sight, for Christmas she did focus on a two-seat baby stroller for her various dolls (Holly and Peggy, to name a few) and teddy bears (mainly Will and Hunter). This thing was made by the same company that makes equipment for real infants and took about as long to put together.

She also got a high chair and a pack’n’play by said company.

And, although it took two attempts, Kerry actually managed to pack all the crap into the Odyssey for the 2-day drive home.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

What it would sound like if the Swedish Chef accidently put his hand on a scalding hot pan:

DINGOLOTTO
KNORKFRAGGLAR
SNORKRAKA
KONDOMHERRE
TUPPJUCK
KNAPPGOK
SLICK FITTARE
NABBJOCKK

and my personal favorite...
RUMPETROLL

These are actual words I copied December 2005 from a restroom wall in a styrofoam plant in Sweden. All were very neatly written. There was also a definite list that included some of the above... I had to include this because of the Bjorn Borg:

RINGSKVEATTA
PUNGSVATTA
BJORN BORG
RUMPETROLL
TUPPJUCK

Hopefully, none of my thousands of Scandinavian friends out there are offended by this. I have no idea what they mean and can't find too much info on-line. I think TUPPJUCK may be a Swedish punk band and I have a few guesses on some of the others but to be honest, I don't really want to know.